Who Nose Best?

Its been two days since the “Incident”…

It’s sunday… A beautifully warm day of 80 degrees. My son is at a friends birthday party, me and the wife are doing some yard work and enjoying the brief freedom from parenthood. It’s 3:30pm and we pick up my son, he’s tired, we’re tired, but no sooner then we get home… “Can we practice baseball”. I can’t say no! Im glad he enjoys it enough to want to practice daily. He just won the game ball for pitching, so of course he wants to practice pitching.

I set up as catcher, and tell him to work on upping the speed of his throws. After about 20 minutes, my wife comes out as a stand in batter, so I tell her not to swing. Well, she can’t help herself and starts swinging, so I step back a few feet so I have time to adjust and catch her “foul tips”. I again tell her, “Ok, no more swinging” so I can get closer to the plate and give my son a real target. She says ok.

After a few more pitches, who can’t control herself? Yeah… My wife! She swings and sure enough that ball tips off the top of her bat…

That ball hits me square in the nose. It was actually pretty amazing! At the same time, I hear the noise of a league Hard Ball smacking me in the face and the crunch of cartilage I normally only hear when sitting in the front row watching a rib tip eating contest.

Immediately I collapse to my knee and hold my face. I was mainly feeling for my nose, which at this point I wasn’t sure existed. Yeah… theres my nose, I’m good… until I feel this overwhelming sensation between my fingers. Did I slip and land in a pool of warm bobcat urine? Did I just catch the after-birth from the hippy pregnant girl next door? NOPE… Its just the blood pouring from my left nostril. I look down to see a large pool forming, at which time my wife says “Are you just joking?”. Me = “Does it look like I’m joking”, as I show her my hands and lift my head. My wife takes off running into the house for towels, my son asks if I’m ok, “Yes, Tyler… Its not a big deal, I’m fine”. “Dad, I’m gonna puke”

I begin to walk up our driveway, while looking at the ground I notice a stream of bright red blood. By the time I reach the top of the driveway, the stream has turned into regularly scheduled drops. Doesn’t seem so bad. Well my wife comes out and hands me a few towels, which I soaked immediately, then a roll of paper towels. I remember the rules for bloody noses and plug the geyser, then pinch bridge. Sure enough the bleeding slows down and my wife “allows” me in the house.

A half hour has passed and I still haven’t looked in the mirror, but by judging the looks I get from my wife and son, something must be a little off. I can feel something must be different about the most prominent feature of the human face. I go take a look in the mirror… hmmmm… not so bad, maybe just swollen. A few hours pass and I look again, CRAP, my damn nose is crooked near the bridge. Time to “suck it up”! I begin to ice my nose while adding a lot of pressure to push it back into some resemblance of alignment. I hear a little crunching, maybe some popping, then a little snapping. Nope, I’m not making a rice crispy treat, but I do notice my nose is looking a lot more straight.

The next morning I get a reminder phone call from my dentist, “Just a reminder, you have an appointment today, and the office is still open, there hasn’t been any protestors in our area of the city”. (My dentist is in Downtown Chicago, where NATO is causing businesses to close and everyone to drive in circles) Thats right, Ive been waiting for 2 weeks to get into the dentist for some tooth pain which I thought may be a cavity. Do I cancel the dentist’s planned drill fest and head over to Immediate Care to get this nasal trauma checked out? NAHHH… I head into the City trying to avoid all the road blocks and protests, and arrive early to the dentist office in order to pay for yet another one of his Boat payments. Mind you, I don’t have black eyes, just a nose thats a swollen but no more abnormal then it once was.

I lay down in the dentist chair while the very cute dental assistant examines my tooth. I see her hands floating above my nose and I immediately say “Please don’t touch my nose”, “I think its broken”. She stops, and asks whats wrong? I keep it brief (UNLIKE THIS POST – LOL). She continues to examine the tooth and says, no cavity! Its just an old filling that may have “Micro Cracks”, “The dentist will just refill”. AWESOME! They take a few X-rays, and no, they would take one of my nose for me, nor would they give my a shot of Lidocaine in the nose.

While laying in that chair, my nose begins to throb. It actually feels like its bleeding while they are working on the tooth. Guess its not or I suspect they would notice. Takes about ten minutes and I get to sit up once again. Throbbing has stopped and I whipe my nose, then laugh. The super sweet dental assistant says, “Whats so funny? Do you have a “boogie”?” LOL… “NO, No boogies here”

I should end this story now, shouldn’t I? I think I need to finish this Saga with a note about marriage and women.

Lets reflect and reminds ourselves how this all began. A simple request to my wife, “Please don’t swing, I’m close, trying to give Tyler a good target”. Wife = “Ok fine, I won’t swing anymore”

You see, no matter how many times you ask your wife not to do something without giving her the LONG DRAWN-OUT version WHY, they think they know better. I guess instead of saying, “Please don’t swing anymore”, I should have said “DO NOT SWING, IM LESS THEN 2 FEET FROM YOUR BAT AND IF YOU TIP THE BALL, I MAY NOT HAVE THE TIME TO ADJUST MY GLOVE. I MAY END UP WITH A HARD BALL LODGED IN MY FOREHEAD AND YOU WILL NEED TO CHANGE MY DIAPERS WHILE I LAY IN BED WITH A FEEDING TUBE.” Lesson Learned!

BTW, I finally dropped into to the immediate care to check the nose. Yeah, its fractured, but it looks to be in good alignment with no septum obstructions! Snap, Crackle, POP!

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